I wasn't able to see the boys the night they were born, so I went down first thing Monday morning and couldn't wait to see them. My nurses helped me into a wheel chair and we headed down to the NICU. I don't really remember much about that day, but I remember how fresh (for lack of a better word) our boys looked. Their skin was still translucent and their eyes were fused. I loved them so much though! I was able to open the doors to their beds and stick my hand in. Each of them immediately grasped onto my finger and it melted my heart. I couldn't believe I was looking at my sweet little boys. We had waited so long to have a baby and now we had three beautiful boys! I spent a little more time with them and then started to hurt from my surgery and needed to rest, so we went back upstairs to my room. I rested up a bit and before we knew it, it was time for Jacob to leave. It broke my heart to see him go and I know he wasn't happy about it either. We said our goodbyes and he was off. I was crying. I seem to be pretty good at that these days.
Thank goodness my sister was still with me. I think I would have had a complete breakdown if she wasn't. I honestly only remember eating lunch, resting and going to see the boys one more time that day. The rest of the day is a blur. Partly because of the medication I was on, but mostly because of the shock of everything that was going on. Tuesday morning I woke up and came down to the NICU. The second I walked in, I saw a rush of doctors head in to where Dalton and Sam were. My heart sank. I could tell by the way they were rushing around that something bad had happened. I headed into the room and was told that Dalton had a brain hemorrhage. I started crying and knew I had to hurry and get a hold of Jacob. I called him just as he was walking to school and tried to explain what was going on. I wasn't able to get anything out of my mouth and had to have the doctor talk to Jacob. The shaking started up again and I could not control it. Jacob talked to the his professors at the school while the secretary booked him the first flight out to Vegas. One of his professors was kind enough to drive him to the airport. He got on the plane and flew to Vegas and was able to fly directly into St. George, due to a family friend of our sweet aunt Susan. Although Jacob got here quite quickly, it seemed like forever. The second he walked in the door I walked to him as quickly as possible and almost collapsed in his arms, sobbing. He held me in his arms and after a minute, we walked into Dalton's room to talk to the doctor. Jacob and I stood by Dalton's side and watched our sweet baby boy, not knowing what was going to happen. After a while, Dr. Rideout wanted to talk to us about Dalton's situation and what we might be able to expect. We were told that Dalton had a grade four brain hemorrhage on both sides of his brain. Fluid was beginning to accumulate in his head and was putting pressure on his brain because blood clots were blocking the ventricles where the fluid was supposed to drain. When the fluid has reached a certain point, a drain of some sort would need to be placed in his head to alleviate the pressure. The means by which that drain or shunt are placed in the head are by poking needles into the area of the fluid, potentially introducing infection to his brain. This procedure may or may not be successful. It's hard to tell on a baby his age and size. The procedure has no guarantee that it would give him a longer time to live or if it would even work. Jacob sat next to me, holding my hand while we were told that there was a good chance we would lose our new son. Tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face. I looked at Jacob and could tell that he wasn't having an easy time keeping his emotions inside any longer. After the doctor left the room for us to talk about things, we sat in silence while tears rolled down our faces. We were faced with an impossible decision. When it comes time, do we pull him from support? Do we proceed flying him up to Primary Children's to have the drain put in and give him a life where all he knows are needles, doctors, x-rays and hospitals? It doesn't feel right to either one of us to make him suffer a life of misery just because WE wanted him to stay with us. We thought long and hard about the gift of being born under the covenant and that we will be an eternal family. No matter what happens, Dalton and his brothers will always be our sons. An overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort came over us as we came to the conclusion that if/when that time comes where a drain is the only option, we would pull him off support and be grateful that he was born to us. Jacob has always talked about having his first son named Dalton. I don't believe it is coincidence that it just so happened that Dalton was the first to come out. We had the boys named all along and new who was who according to their weights. Dalton was always the bigger identical twin and Drew the smaller. Over the coming weeks, Dalton would have a weekly head ultrasound to measure the progress of the hemorrhage. We were hopeful that the hemorrhaging would stop, which it did. However, fluid has continued to build and the clots continued to block it from draining. Jacob and I knew that with each ultrasound, we would hope for the best, but prepare for the worse. Afterall, the doctors are doing all they can do, but we know that ultimately what is supposed to happen will happen. We are not in control. Jacob was able to stay for an entire week. We roomed at the hospital and pretty much spent every minute of every day in the NICU with our boys holding them and sitting with them. It was so nice to be so close to them and only have to walk down the hall to go to bed or to go rest, which didn't happen often. The majority of the time I didn't get more than two hours of rest. I was so exhausted but so hyped up on adrenaline from all that had been happening. Between visiting with the boys, holding them, having to eat and pump, not much time was left for me to rest. I hated leaving them at night. I always left with the feeling that I wanted to be right by their sides if anything happened. The week passed by all too quickly and I had to say goodbye to my Sweet Jacob. Although it was difficult, it was a bit easier than the time before because I knew it would only be a couple of weeks before he was back again. We were so grateful that he was able to get a flight out of St. George and not have to drive to Vegas. The flight was more expensive, but so worth it.
I felt the next couple of weeks would drag on without Jacob here with me to get me through all the rough days I knew were ahead. Although it has been extremely difficult, the time has passed by quickly. I still feel like it has been forever since I have seen him, but time itself has gone by quickly. I've had many rough days here on my own. Days of feeling like going home to California and enjoying the dental school experience, the city we live in and all our new friends, but most of all being a wife, mother and a complete family.
Jacob arrived on a Sunday night. He came straight to the NICU because Dalton had been having some rough days. Not to mention we were eager to see each other. I was sitting in Drew's room and heard the nurses say "there he is!" and I immediately knew it had to be Jacob. As I rushed out to see him, I burst into tears of relief and joy that he was finally here for me and the boys. As we hugged each other tightly, I knew that whatever was ahead of us that week, I would be able to get through it with him here. We knew that Dalton may not be with us much longer, and that the chance of us having to pull him off support within the next few days was a good possibility.
Tuesday morning, Dalton was scheduled for a head ultrasound to see if there had been any improvements. As soon as the ultrasound was ready, we met with Dr. Carroll to discuss the results. It was not good. Such a large portion of his brain had been damaged and the damaged tissue was beginning to be reabsorb. It is an attempt the body makes to heal itself. However, the empty space in his brain was continuing fill up with fluid that wasn't draining because of the clots that were blocking the ventricles. Basically the plumbing in his brain had been damaged. Once it is damaged, the only way to somewhat repair it is to put a drain or a resivor in his head. That would mean that for the rest of his life, he would have a device in his head that would sit just outside of the skull and would collect the fluid build up. Then, a needle would have to be poked into is his head to drain the fluid. The problem is, every time a needle is introduced, especially into the brain, the risk of infection is very high. Not to mention the pain. A long term fix of the issue is called a shunt. Dalton would be flown up to Primary Children's where the neurosurgeons would have placed a long term drain in his head with a line that would go down into the abdominal cavity to drain the fluid. Throughout his life, he could have several shunt revisions. This is all in addition to the severe mental and physical issues he would more than likely have. We don't know exactly what those issues would be, but the chance of him having several severe complications was very high.
We were faced with an impossible decision. What were we supposed to do? The thought of not having our dear, sweet Dalton with us was more than I could take. But were we to let him keep going on knowing that he would be in pain and know a life that was filled with doctor appointments, needles, surgeries, x-rays, MRIs and hospitals?! It seemed cruel to us both to chose the latter. As difficult as it was to imagine letting him go, a life of misery and pain seemed so much worse. However, knowing that we were in control of his life was a responsibility that I didn't want. I didn't want play God. It didn't seem fair to have to make this decision. However, he is our child and it IS up to us what happens to not only Dalton, but Drew and Sam as well.
We attended the Temple shortly after the ultrasound. I didn't want to admit to myself that our triplet boys would soon be twin boys. Although I felt so much peace about the decision we made, facing the fact that Dalton was going to survive ate me up inside. As soon as we got back to the hospital, I walked to his bed and looked at him long and hard, as he looked up at me with his big beautiful eyes. It was almost like he could see into my heart. Tears ran down my face. I just couldn't imagine not having this sweet boy to hold in my arms an snuggle with. We informed Dr. Carroll of our final decision and he, along with all the other doctors, agreed that we were making the right decision. We informed them that we would do it on Thursday so that we could have one more day with him and so that Jacob would be able to still make his flight and have one day at home to recouperate before having to start a new quarter at school on Monday.
After some thought, we decided it would be best to change Jacob's flight to Monday and have one more day with our sweet son. We moved the day of ending support to Friday, the services on Saturday and Jacob's flight to Monday afternoon. The extra day with our son was priceless. Jacob felt okay missing the first day of class, so it was a done deal. Wednesday and Thursday were spent almost entirely at the NICU holding and loving Dalton. A nurse who also owned a professional photography business offered to come in and take some pictures of us holding Dalton. These pictures are priceless to us and we are grateful she was so willing to donate her time and talents so that we can have the precious memories of our little guy. Thursday night was spent holding Dalton. I held him for 4 1/2 hours straight. It was a time I will treasure for the rest of my life. Holding my sweet baby boy for the last few hours of his life, with Jacob sitting close by me. I held Dalton until 4:30 am. I didn't want my time with him to end, but I knew we needed to get at least some sleep. By the time we got back to our hospital room, It was closer to 5:00 am and we had planned to be up at 6:00 to get ready for them to bring our sweet boy into us. I woke up at 6:00 wondering how the time had passed by so quickly. We got dressed and ready for them to bring Dalton down to us to hold. Jacob left around 6:50 am to inform the NICU we were ready. The second he left, I had the most strong feeling that my mom was very near. I hoped all along that she would be with us and be there to welcome our little Dalton home. At 7:00 am, Jacob opened the door with the NICU team close behind with our son. They placed Dalton in my arms as Jacob came to sit by my side. The experience of our last moments is so special and so sacred to me that I don't want to share it at this time. However, I KNOW my mom was there. We savored our last couple of hours with Dalton. I still could not believe what was happening. It just didn't seem real to me. After Dalton was taken away, we spent some time sitting on the bed, processing all that had happened. After a while, we decided that we needed some fresh air. We walked across the street and took a stroll around the Temple. It was a beautiful day and although I have always thought the St. George Temple was beautiful, I looked at it differently. It seemed SO much more beautiful and meaningful to me. Jacob and I spent the entire day together, just the two of us. We didn't spend any time at the NICU. We needed a break. After our walk, Jacob took a long nap while I took care of some other things and had a break down or two. We went to dinner at one of my new favorite places, 25 Main. The whole time we were there, Jacob and I had the same thought running through our heads. "People have NO idea what our day has been like and what took place today", it couldn't stop running through my mind. It seemed so strange to go out to dinner when just hours before, we said goodbye to our baby boy. But we needed to get out together without anyone else. We needed some time to just be us.
The next morning we woke up and drove to the mortuary to dress Dalton. The mortician lead us back to where Dalton was and opened the door. There was our little guy, all wrapped up in white. I burst into tears I walked over to him and touched his sweet face. He looked so different without tubes in his mouth and without his sweet spirit to fill that tiny little body. He was gone. It is amazing to me to see just how much the spirit brings to a body. It completely changes a person. Jacob and I carefully dressed him and said our final goodbyes as we placed a tiny gold ring on his finger. Each of his brothers has a gold ring identical to the one we left with Dalton. I also have one as a tribute and memory of our Dalton. Of all places to go right after an experience like this, we went to McArthur Jewelers to get a gold chain for the tiny ring. We then headed off to the cemetary for the services that had been prepared on behalf of Dalton. We kept the invitation open to family only. I was shocked by how many people had taken the time to come support us at this time. Jacob and I are so grateful for all the support we have received from not just family, but by friends and even strangers. It has been much appreciated and we have felt of everyone's love for us and our sweet boys. After the services, we went back to the house to shower and head back to the hospital to rest. Neither of us felt like being at the house, but wanted to be back where our boys were and where we knew we would have some time to be together. We again went out to dinner that night so that we could be alone. We enjoyed our time together. It was what we needed after all that had happened and because we had been apart for so long. Sunday came and went all too quickly. We weren't ready for Monday to come and to have to say goodbye once again. This whole saying goodbye, distance and single parent thing stinks. I don't recommend it to anyone. Because Jacob flew out of Las Vegas, I decided I wanted to drive down with him so that we could have a few extra hours together. It was the shortest drive to Las Vegas I have ever experienced. We met up with his wonderful aunt Susan at her house. She kindly took us out to lunch and then it was off to the airport. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye to my Sweet Boy (once again).....seriously, this is getting old. I cried as soon as I got back in the car. "How on earth am I going to keep doing this without him here", I thought. Susan came to the rescue and treated me to the most wonderful pedicure I have ever had. I was in heaven the entire time. We then headed back to her beautiful home where we visited and did a whole lot of nothing; and it felt wonderful!!! We ate dinner later that night, watched a bit of tv and then went to bed. The NICU nurses sent me texts and pictures throughout the night to reassure me that the boys were doing well. They are so sweet!!! It helped me relax and I was able to get a good solid 5 hours of sleep in. I haven't slept that well since I was very very first pregnant, before I got really sick. The sleep was heavenly. Just what I needed (besides my husband:)). We woke up early and headed back to SG. I couldn't wait to get back to my boys!!!
Things have settled down a bit, but I still have days where I breakdown and just have to cry. I miss my Dalton and I miss my husband. I know that one day this will all be over. I can't wait for that day. However, until then, I need to get through our remaining time here and not just get through it, but try my hardest to enjoy the time I have here. I honestly think it will be a LONG time before I am able to come back after all this is over. Despite the joy of having my sweet boys in SG, there has been so much trauma and heartache that I don't think I can see this place until that wound has some time to heal. Not to mention that as soon as I am home, I won't want to go anywhere. I just want to be home with my own little family. We are still trying to get used to the fact that we have twins now instead of triplets. It seems so strange and I am not used to it one bit.
We are so very grateful to our Heavenly Father for the time we were able to spend with Dalton. He has a strong little spirit and put up a good fight. We both feel that the Lord was able to carry out His Will in the most gentle way possible. We are grateful for the tender mercy of having our sweet boy and knowing that he will be our son forever.
